Empathy as a driving force for peace and conflict resolution

I begin to write this on a rather hopeless note despite being part of conversations that are so full of hope and optimism. Everyday, now since I have moved to Ahmedabad (a city in the western part of India), I have been driven to thinking how empathy is a lost cause for our country. As I drive back home from my workplace everyday, the rush of traffic that I witness has led me to this view. The streets in my country are not empathetic. People are outdoing each other on the roads everyday, there is a general hurry to reach to one's destination. In the process, I have realized that people (and I do not exclude myself) have become resistant to inculcating empathy within themselves. Most of the conflicts on the 'road', which is a public space are witnessed due to a lack of empathy. We are not sensitive to the fact that the way we drive may cause harm to others, may cost them their life and may result into chaos in the way people move. The idea is to be the first one, find space and not think of the 'other'. In discussions with my father, on the lack of empathy in the public space, I have come to the conclusion that most of the times we think only about ourselves. In a conflict zone too, parties think about their own gains, losses, strategies, moves and tactics. Since a conflict emanates from differences in goals, attitudes and perceptions, thinking about the 'other' is obviously absent.

When Kirthi threw up words like empathy, mutual respect, religious tolerance, co-existence and international equality in the discussion last week, I faced a tough time ranking these in an order of priority primarily because I could not figure out how these values which are so much shared in their very nature and characteristic, be disconnected from each other. More importantly, how is it possible to attain peace while emphasizing on one value and underscoring the other. Yet, I ended up placing empathy on the top of the ladder. There were several reasons for this. One, I thought and believe that empathy can serve as a basis for remaining values to be achieved in the process of resolving conflict. An attitude and position of empathy can lead to mutual respect, religious tolerance, harmonious coexistence and international equality. It is as if all of the other values are offshoots of empathy. An empathetic understanding in conflict can lessen differences, make more room for conversation, spring up never thought of solutions and help us to look at positions beyond our own narrow and restrictive lens.

Googling on empathy, I learnt it means 'understanding and sharing' feelings of others. To add to this, empathy also means care, placing yourself into the shoes of the 'other', imagining how it would be to look at and experience the world from his/her position, learning about and recognizing the sufferings and loss of others and moving beyond a very self-centered attitude to life. To me, what creates conflict is not a perceived sense of difference in aims and aspirations, but also a lack of empathy. This happens not only at the macro level, but in a day to day life situation as well. For examples, lets take a look at conflicts in personal spaces like family and friends. There emerge feelings like:

"Why should I always be the one to understand, compromise and give up my claims."

"She doesn't seem to care, understand and adjust."

"He only thinks of himself, not realizing how much he is hurting others in the process."

Each one of us tend to experience such feelings whereby it is ingrained that the 'other' is not sensitive to our needs. In cultivating and absorbing an empathetic demeanour, we only create more and more space for positivity, accommodation and solutions. In my view, empathy can be a driver of peace because:

• Empathy as a trait serves to be the basis of positive attitudes and actions in human beings
• Empathy can lead to several other desired values that foster peace
• Empathy can bring us to a position of dialogue
• Empathy can help us look at conflict in ways we never thought of previously
• Empathy can create safer spaces for people with differences to come to common ground
• Empathy displaces you from both the position of privilege and victimhood
• Empathy helps us to 'know' - knowing is important because conflicts often aggravate owing to ignorance of what it is to be like on that side of the fence
• A position of empathy can make you a good listener - must to resolve conflicts
• Empathy empowers you to better understand your own realities 

As an example, of how I believe 'empathy' is significant to my work in peace building and conflict resolution between India and Pakistan, it is empathy which has enabled me to undertake conversations with Pakistanis, previously impossible in a hostile atmosphere. It is because of empathy that I am able to continue these conversations despite healthy differences in opinion. I empathize with the fact that my Pakistani friends are struggling against political violence and terrorism in their country and it is insensitive of me to bracket them as people who believe in and perpetrate violence. It is because of empathy that I am able to appreciate the amazing work that they do to counter violence and help the underprivileged in their country. Empathy has exposed me to a Pakistan that was unknown to me beforehand. Today, I feel, they are no different, in fact, we are on the same page when dealing with hostile attitudes and politics that breathes on extremism and hatred. How, in any case, would I feel one with them if not from a position of empathy? Empathy is the solid ground on which I have built long lasting friendships with my friends from across the border. I do not pity or sympathize with them, neither do they. We don't see each other as victims. We see each other as partners in building a more peaceful world. Empathy empowers us, on both sides, to deal with differences and still be the best of buddies. It is this empathy that makes us talk for hours together, where, at times, listening to the 'other' becomes more important that one's speaking itself.

It is for empathy that I understand how painful Peshawar 2014 was to them and it is for empathy that they can read the pain in my voice when I talk of Mumbai 2008. Empathy is what dissolves and renders redundant those compulsions of having to prove our Indianness and Pakistaniyat! Empathy is what has made me fall in love with Pakistani TV dramas and them to go crazy over Bollywood. If not for empathy, we'd still be where we were - isolated, disconnected, aloof, ignorant and still fighting. And though I started out quite gloomy, I end here with hope!