I have been married for four years now. I married Tushar in the year 2011 and had just begin my PhD in Political Science from The Maharaja Sayajirao University at Baroda in Gujarat. It had been just two months that I'd started off with my thesis work and marriage was on the card. Indeed, I was very happy about beginning a new and lovely phase of life with many expectations and hopes. I believe this is how any Indian girl embraces marriage. She is full of dreams and hopes which she feels her partner and new family will fulfill. I was no different, but still different in quite a many ways. From the beginning of my doing a PhD, I was quite determined to devote my full time and energy to it, to focus on studying hard and doing my best. I am also not a very traditional and conventional person and in that sense I was quite determined to break barriers. Studying post marriage was full of challenges and it invited raised eyebrows, surprises and question marks when I told people that I was pursuing Ph.D. In that sense, the modern Indian society is quite funny. For women, both parents and society opine that everything should happen at the right age - studies, employment, marriage, children etc. Means you have to be ambitious, competent and yet not neglect duties and responsibilities towards your family. For young girls, like me, who are raised in egalitarian, modern and progressive families, this builds up too much pressure and is a hindrance to what one can accomplish. Life is not a smooth journey, and there will be hiccups and hindrances to it. Therefore, the pressures and expectations that society in India puts on women - especially those married and working are a stereotype in my view. Throughout my marriage I have worked to defy this stereotype.
Studying after marriage was a big deal for many whom I knew, and they advised me to devote more time to my new family and relationship. I realized that I could not forgo my thesis completely because I was committed to it, I loved doing research and I have never quite visualized myself as a home-maker (no offense meant to home-makers here). I was just not the one to sit at home and enjoy the domestic bliss that life offered me. Doing a PhD meant a lot of hard work, vague reading hours, long hours at the university because when you take a topic for in-depth study you totally devote yourself to it. In the course of time, I started attending coursework classes during the weekends, which meant that apart from being away on weekdays, I was away from home during the weekends as well. Most of time was in fact spent in the university premises than at home. I was sure that this wouldn't augur well with many in my family circle, my relatives and even my parents. To add to these problems, my husband's and my weekoffs were on different days - so while we enjoyed a holiday on Saturday, I worked in the university and while he worked on Sundays, I enjoyed Sunday afternoon siestas quite often. There were times when due to my research engagements, I was not able to make it to family functions, had to miss meeting friends and had to forego all the simple joys that a newly married girl hopes to partake in. These were tough times but with the support of my husband, who hardly cribbed about my packed schedule and my non-availability, even giving me space and freedom to devote long hours of study, I have managed to sail through. There were times when people ridiculed me and questioned me as to why I was working so hard. Some cautioned me about the consequences of not paying required attention to my marriage. I also became the subject of taunts when I refused to compromise my study timings to participate in functions and rituals. But I was determined and broke every stereotype that is associated with studies after marriage. I knew I was married to my PhD much earlier than I was to my husband! Thankfully, he understood. To everyone who now asks me how I managed to accomplish, my reply remains that though marriage is definitely the beginning of new things and dreams in life, but you need not sacrifice yourself and your old dreams for this new beginning. Adjust, but don not compromise and more importantly ... be yourself ... marriage was not meant to change you or bring to the world a new you ... a you who lives life according to the wishes of others.
Post my PhD completion, I took another drastic step. I moved to a different city for a job. That means, I am now living away from my husband and family for the sake of a career. Usually, it is the wife who moves with her husband in case he shifts to another town for professional growth. In my case, I have again broken the stereotype and have been the one to shift even as my husband continues with his work in our hometown. This means that we are now staying apart and people are quick to judge me as a woman who prioritized her career over family. That of course does not bother me because my family totally supports and understands me. However, as a woman, who has at every step defied the conventions of marriage, I am often asked questions like - "when will the two of you stay together?", "when will you think of starting a family?", "staying apart can be risky for marriage". There have been pressures, expectations and advice, many a times unsolicited and I have tried my best to turn deaf ears to it. Right now, I am enjoying this phase of staying as a college girl, managing things on my own and learning from the experience of venturing beyond my comfort zone because I never stayed away from home. This is a phase I will cherish. I will also, in my own little way, continue to rebel against established norms and structures, to be able to do what I really want to and continue to do that while being married! Because life gives us only one chance at living, and I remain confident of making the most of it.
Studying after marriage was a big deal for many whom I knew, and they advised me to devote more time to my new family and relationship. I realized that I could not forgo my thesis completely because I was committed to it, I loved doing research and I have never quite visualized myself as a home-maker (no offense meant to home-makers here). I was just not the one to sit at home and enjoy the domestic bliss that life offered me. Doing a PhD meant a lot of hard work, vague reading hours, long hours at the university because when you take a topic for in-depth study you totally devote yourself to it. In the course of time, I started attending coursework classes during the weekends, which meant that apart from being away on weekdays, I was away from home during the weekends as well. Most of time was in fact spent in the university premises than at home. I was sure that this wouldn't augur well with many in my family circle, my relatives and even my parents. To add to these problems, my husband's and my weekoffs were on different days - so while we enjoyed a holiday on Saturday, I worked in the university and while he worked on Sundays, I enjoyed Sunday afternoon siestas quite often. There were times when due to my research engagements, I was not able to make it to family functions, had to miss meeting friends and had to forego all the simple joys that a newly married girl hopes to partake in. These were tough times but with the support of my husband, who hardly cribbed about my packed schedule and my non-availability, even giving me space and freedom to devote long hours of study, I have managed to sail through. There were times when people ridiculed me and questioned me as to why I was working so hard. Some cautioned me about the consequences of not paying required attention to my marriage. I also became the subject of taunts when I refused to compromise my study timings to participate in functions and rituals. But I was determined and broke every stereotype that is associated with studies after marriage. I knew I was married to my PhD much earlier than I was to my husband! Thankfully, he understood. To everyone who now asks me how I managed to accomplish, my reply remains that though marriage is definitely the beginning of new things and dreams in life, but you need not sacrifice yourself and your old dreams for this new beginning. Adjust, but don not compromise and more importantly ... be yourself ... marriage was not meant to change you or bring to the world a new you ... a you who lives life according to the wishes of others.
Post my PhD completion, I took another drastic step. I moved to a different city for a job. That means, I am now living away from my husband and family for the sake of a career. Usually, it is the wife who moves with her husband in case he shifts to another town for professional growth. In my case, I have again broken the stereotype and have been the one to shift even as my husband continues with his work in our hometown. This means that we are now staying apart and people are quick to judge me as a woman who prioritized her career over family. That of course does not bother me because my family totally supports and understands me. However, as a woman, who has at every step defied the conventions of marriage, I am often asked questions like - "when will the two of you stay together?", "when will you think of starting a family?", "staying apart can be risky for marriage". There have been pressures, expectations and advice, many a times unsolicited and I have tried my best to turn deaf ears to it. Right now, I am enjoying this phase of staying as a college girl, managing things on my own and learning from the experience of venturing beyond my comfort zone because I never stayed away from home. This is a phase I will cherish. I will also, in my own little way, continue to rebel against established norms and structures, to be able to do what I really want to and continue to do that while being married! Because life gives us only one chance at living, and I remain confident of making the most of it.
Both of you are smashing stereotypes with so much swag! ;)
ReplyDeleteThanks. I love to defy stereotypes
ReplyDelete